chapter fourteen




My sweaters are already trembling in anticipation in my closet, as am I every time I check my weather app on my iPhone. Eighty-three degrees still? C’mon Los Angeles…don’t you know it’s sweater weather time? You know you want to drop down to that lovely mid-seventies thing you got going on…it’s my favorite.

What do you guys love about fall or October in general?

I could rant off a thousand things, but why not celebrate like we did last year?! Every day in October let’s find those happinesses hidden everywhere and post about it using #octoberlovin and #KTMofficial! It’ll give us all something to look forward to!

This October is exceptionally exciting because we will be releasing our FIRST EVER ORIGINAL album! Woot-woot!

So besides all the pumpkin carving, scary movies, haunted houses, and general spookiness I always hope come along with October, hopefully some radio plays will be happening as well!

Especially since I think we’ll be touring for promo stuff ON Halloween, so I won’t be in town or really the country I think. My heart is shattered BUT all I can do is hope for the best for our success!

Other exciting things are happening for #KTMofficial stuff as well! Most of you have seen my new logo and know that along with the #KTaniMated contest, other parts of my site will become animated. I’ll also be setting up some merch in the near future so be on the lookout for more info on that front!

These days seem to be flying by though and that always boggles me. Since we came home from tour early, life hasn’t been as stressful as it could have been, but we still fill our days.

Like, it’s already October of 2015. Can you believe that?

I think back on where I was a year ago on my favorite month. And the October before that. Think about it. You’re exceptionally different than last year, and especially the year before that.

Two Octobers ago I flew out to see Jeremy for the first time after I’d met him on the Sing Off. I went to see Sara Bareilles for the first time ever and bawled my eyes out next to Will at Radio City Music Hall.

I made good choices and bad choices, all that affected my future for better and worse. Yet, all choices that taught me much needed lessons.

I was chatting with my friend Taylor the other night and we were reminiscing about all our life choices…how one single moment in time can alter so many things. How one choice can change someone’s perspective on you or yours on them, or completely alter the course of where you thought your life was going.

Do you ever feel jaded or disillusioned sometimes because of the situation you’re in? The way you allow yourself to be treated because it’s all you’ve ever known?

You come up with reasons, like this is how it should be. But are those your reasons or others’? And have you just allowed yourself to be stuck in that situation, living on rules that your heart actually does not believe in?

I hear stories from my friends and read many of your stories online. I see me two years ago. I see some of my friends. I see wise, introspective people. I see foolish, naïve people.

And when I hear some of these stories that baffle me I think…was that me?

Was that me, doubting and rebuking any semblance of confidence or goodness, challenging my worth as if I believed I had none (which is what I did believe for a time)? Did I ever just settle in to situations because I was too afraid of what would happen by getting out of them? The girl that got comfortable and didn’t want to take the risk of change to not have anyone validating that maybe I was worth a bit more than I expected?

Y’all.  Don’t do that, haha. Don’t be that person.

People are unexpected. The second you assume something you set yourself up for failure, especially if it’s something negative. Because then everyone is just acting bitchy and condescending for no reason…because you will never truly know the reasons behind people’s actions unless you are them.

That’s like my biggest pet peeve. People that think they know you. Everyone thinks they’re psychologists nowadays. Especially the ones that aren’t really a giant part of your life. And EVERYONE gets offended by EVERYTHING.

People like control, I’ve learned. They like calculating what you’re going to do next so they can be in control of the situation. I’ve done my fair share of that too, doing something that I know would incite a certain response out of the other person (teehee, sorry Jeremy).

Why do we manipulate each other sometimes? Why are we occasionally so caught up on ourselves? What is right to me? How should she have responded because of how I feel?

The world cannot and will not revolve around you and selectively what you think should or should not be.

Drop the egos. Take yourself out of the situation and observe.

Look at the bigger picture here.


People get so caught up on their own voices sometimes they never care to listen, even to what they’re saying.

I’ve done that…gained attitudes and perceptions I never wanted. Call it a product of your surroundings and I think a lot relates to that… But it is also a choice.

So I read over some of my past entries today, wondering if I was being honest or if I was trying to get people to perceive me in some way. I’m happy I’ve had success with the blog and appreciate the compliments, but they scare me, as if I’d created this lovely, positive little ray of sunshine.

Because I’m not that all the time. I hope everyone knows that.

That is not someone I am pretending to be.

I never started this to pretend I have all the answers or act as some psychologist wanna-be. God, no.

I’ve always just shared how I feel because looking back on my life and the lack of good examples and people I surrounded myself by at times, I wish someone would have been there to really make me think. To delve in to myself and figure out how I work, without being ashamed, without trying to cover up my crap. To inspire me in a way I had not been inspired.

I can never be a thousand percent real and personal, because that would be overstepping my boundaries with the people involved. I don’t intend to ever ruin the facades people carry, because a lot of the time everyone has to carry one. I have to at times!

You have to smile even if you’re sad.

Hold your head high even when people are degrading you.

So maybe that’s why the compliments get to me sometimes. Because I hope you guys know that I have good days and bad days too, and not all with the great perspective that I always hope to carry.

Just as it seems people always only showcase and post about the happy times, their achievements, etc know that is not all to their life. Sometimes it’s the people with the seemingly perfect lives that are really going through it. Everyone wants what they don’t have, envies others situations because they think if they had it then it would all be different.

You don’t know.

People are more like you than you think. I think that’s comforting in a way…that at least through all the horrible mistakes we’ll ever make in life, people have been through it and come out better because of it all.

Trial and error, my friends.

So when I think of this most cheerful, spooky month I think back to me years ago. How different I was, How I was seeking help and validation because I didn’t know how to navigate through life or where I wanted to be.

But the people I welcomed in to my life at that time helped me as much to figure myself out as the people who left. And regardless, no amount of time can ever be too horrific when it’s October, haha!!

Regardless of new circumstances or perspectives, my (very) childish joy still remains! And I am now going to bombard you all with these fall joys so…sorry?

Thank you all for always checking in. I’m so happy we can always grow together and I look forward to what’s to come!





Thank you for signing up!

Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form