chapter forty-two

So funny to me.

That as humans we never seem to be completely satisfied.

That it is our human error to achieve something, however small or big, and then undervalue it by moving on to something else we find displeasing. To critique more parts about our bodies, our jobs, our friends, our lives.

I’ve found that some people thrive off this never being satisfied business. When they achieve something, they move on to the next thing they can make great. Their ‘always second place’ attitude only propels them to want to finally be first best at something. To prove they are great.

There’s merit to that, I think, but it all matters on your perspective.

I think the one exception to how dangerous dissatisfaction can be is when you gain motivation from it to improve and be better.

I think that kind of burning motivation is really cool.

I just generally tend to be a bit more pessimistic.

I just believe that when you’re talented in many things, saying you’re “only second” is disregarding all the hard work you’ve put in to something or many somethings.

Maybe you’re not “the best.”

But who is?

What is defined as “the best?”

And are you considering other people outside maybe your school, your theatre, anything?

Big fish in a big pond still means you are one individual person in a sea of people doing exactly what you’re doing. You may be great and celebrated there, but what about when you leave that place and move on to the world?

Who is “the best” then?

It’s all relative.

So I hate that concept of “the best.” I think it gives people egos. And it’s a big ol’ reality check to get knocked down off your entitled throne.

I hate “the best” because it should be more about being YOUR best or whatever superlative you want to strive for. But decide on your own accord. Because everyone’s definition of success, beauty, etc. is different.

I always want to be my best. I always preach to be the best version of yourselves or at least try. But it’s hard to do it all the time, you know?

I think I also don’t have that fire in me, that kind of angry “I’m gonna show you wrong and prove to you this” motivation.

Instead of fighting to prove myself, I get bunkered down by the weight of the things in my life that make me unhappy. Or worse, the things I know are suffering because I’m not watering it enough to blossom.

Bad days, bad weeks happen to everyone.

I’ve said multiple times that I knew 2016 was going to be my year, just a really, really solid year for me and what I want to achieve. It still is 100%!!

But it makes the bad (obnoxiously) that much more dramatic.

I mean, after surrounding yourself with positive energy and a forward-moving motion to your dreams, you can’t help but feel winded when things do turn a bit sour. Then it hits the hardest and from seemingly nowhere.

I tweeted this incredibly emo tweet back in 2009/2010 that someone dragged up the other day (no thank you, lol).

It was something along the lines of “I forgot that when you set your dreams so high, the fall is even harder when you miss.”

I think I ended it with a very teenager-y emo “I should have known better.”

I cringed when I read it about a week or so ago. I’m cringing typing it out now hahah!

But I saw the date and remembered what had been going on in my life.

How lost I felt. How sad. How it lasted for months before slowly dissipating.

How then a year or so later that lost feeling returned and didn’t leave without a very grueling fight.

How even to this day I’ll get a tickle of that feeling and bug out on anxiety and fear that it’s even possible for that haze to come back in my life.

I hope you guys know that so many people feel sad. Lost. Heartbroken over people or dreams.

But I never want anyone to think they shouldn’t dream high enough. Dream to the stars and beyond!!

That’s what’s so beautiful about dreaming. It takes you places you would have never imagined. Some you thought were impossible to attain.

Don’t dismiss the beauty of innocent dreams for fear that you’re not good enough or they’ll never happen.

Dreams are so wonderful and should never have to go away, even for adults.

I think that’s why I’ve been a little off-kilter. I’m realizing that I’m growing up.

I’m only twenty-four but I am engaged. Two dogs. Blessed with a great career. Coming in to my own and finding out what I want to do and be as opposed to what I think I should be.

I’m not as much of a kid as I used to be and I can’t rely on that excuse of “I’m growing up.” It’s time now.

The irony is everyone used to say I acted older than I was. I wanted to be too. And now I really am.

It’s cool. It’s scary. It hurts to fall.

But I’ll keep dreaming. They feel even more alive now at times.

I never want to not dream.

I hope I’ll never lose something that makes me feel so free.

I hope you guys don’t either. :)




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