Chapter Forty Six

I’m not confrontational.

I’m getting better at it when it needs to happen, but it’s not my ultimate go-to.

Quite often I instead make excuses for myself and others for the explanation on what happened or why they’re acting a certain way. I sometimes “empathize” a bit too emphatically, stuck on the notion that every transgression would never intentionally be harmful or selfish.

Basically, I avoid the truth. Often, sadly.

The truth in others and the truth in myself.

I avoid what is blatantly obvious at times because sometimes the truth is hard to digest, or not the way I would have wanted it to be. I generally won’t investigate a situation that causes both a heartache and headache because I’ll just anxiously overthink it and stumble around answers, trying to find one that would please me and instead confusing my thoughts tenfold.

There’s a fine line between overthinking something and trying to shove it under the rug and avoid it.

Both are pretty awful and I get entrapped in both of them often. I can’t say which one is better…trying to confront something and creating even more of a mess or running away from it and having buried issues spring in to your life later when it really doesn’t make any sense.

That’s life, I guess.

If I could re-define “life” I’d probably say it’s a series of mistakes and trials that you have to struggle through mentally and physically before hopefully plateauing at some sort of peace within yourself, and then being knocked off again in to more mistakes and trials.

A cyclical journey of finding yourself again and again and again as the world changes around you. Forever making errors in some ways, making progress in others.

I think It’s easy for people to get stuck on the negative in their lives, the parts that still need fixing, as opposed to what has been accomplished.

It’s like when people give you a compliment. You kinda brush it aside or don’t fully thank them and take ownership for it, awkwardly even, but if someone were to insult or offend you go off the deep end about how much they’ve wronged you.

For some reason, negativity always speaks the loudest.

It speaks loudly within people too, in different ways. There are so many unhappy people in the world making excuses for why they feel so wronged. Avoiding the truth because it hurts. Trying to fill in what they’re missing with other things that aren’t necessarily good for them or their recovery.

They get addicted to it.

I get it.

I think most people have been there at times when they feel there is nowhere else to turn.

There is no one that would completely understand. No one that wouldn’t be quick to judge. Or sometimes people just “won’t get it,” you think.

I have been there. I am still there. At times.

And that’s what I love about this blog. I love being able to write my thoughts down. I draw from past events and I draw from current ones, and I take happiness and pride in seeing your responses and how they relate to my own. How you agree or disagree. I learn from it about you and about myself.

But even I have things I do not share with the world, some things I don’t even wish to share with myself.

I have feelings that still need sorting out and generally the anxiety of not knowing how and in what way to sort them.

I have countless journals that contain my heart’s deepest feelings.

I had an especially poignant one my senior year of high school, when I think “adulting” and recognizing the real world started happening for me. I couldn’t make sense of myself most of the time. Everything felt overwhelmingly dramatic and intense. I could barely figure out me and my intentions much less than the people around me.

All I knew was that I needed something to vent to.

I couldn’t keep it in any longer or it would burst out of me.

“So I put my pen to paper and breathed life to the ink.”

I wrote. I wrote. I wrote.

Just as I did in my first blog chapter, just as I did as a kid, and then as a teenager as my tears hit the paper, or my heart ached until I thought it would stop, or I was so giddily happy I might as well have drooled all over the paper from how much I couldn’t contain my smile.

At the end of the day, I know it helped me.

It was therapeutic to try to make sense of myself, even if sometimes I felt I got nowhere.

This round of merch is very important to me, because for as much as I say share your stories, open yourselves up, and help others, sometimes you have to take care of your heart and your feelings before you can be of any service to helping another.

Sometimes you aren’t ready. You haven’t figured out “you” completely yet.

While I’d like to say any community I am a part of would be encouraging towards you, sometimes you just need to be alone.

No one has the answers of your heart but you.

People can advise you on what to do. Tell you how to act.

But deep down…you know.

You know you know.

Or at least you have enough feelings to word vomit them out to make some sort of sense of them, to not make any rash decisions.

So this next round of merch is not for anyone else.

It’s for you.

Available Now! :)

Wherever you go, wherever you are in life, if you need to take a second to yourself to remind yourself, to document, to spill secrets…this is for you.

Writing has always been therapeutic to me. It is second to music.

I hope it can be of service to you.

One day you will look back at that journal and think…

“Wow. Look how far I’ve come.”

“Look how strong I am.”

Love,

Kirstin

P.S. Check out the KTM store for TWO new merch items! <3

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