Chapter Forty-Nine

I have been giddy happy lately.

The other day – the day after my engagement party my mom threw us – my mom, Jeremy, my friend Jessica, and I happened upon this incredible Mexican restaurant and me being the major foodie I am hardcore geeked at how authentic and delicious everything was.

I think the combination of how wonderful the previous night was, the delicious food, and being surrounded by the people I love most had my emotions amuck. We were driving my mom and Jess to the airport after lunch and I randomly burst into uncontrollable laughter which then quickly turned into snorting and tears!! I couldn’t tell if I was sad that their leaving meant the magical weekend was ending or I was just so incredibly happy with everything in life that my body didn’t know how to handle it!

I hope it was the latter. It was a moment for sure. One of the happiest moments of my life that I’ll always remember. A moment where I truly felt right and so emotionally content I didn’t know what to do!

Crazy concept, eh? To actually feel balanced with your emotions and so purely ok.

I know it’s easy to get caught up in insecurities. It’s so easy to drown in the unknown of your emotions. I won’t be able to sit on this giddy high forever; at some point something will knock me down (hopefully only) a peg or two.

I think a major fault lies within my lack of ability to appreciate a good thing when it comes to me. I may seem optimistic at my core, but in reality I think my natural pessimism drives my desire to “choose happiness.”

I always am seeking the fault in something good. I can’t help it.

I am not satisfied with happiness and ease at times, maybe because I don’t think those attributes belong to me. I can live so normally in an unsatisfied struggle of a life, or a life tinged with something negative. Maybe I like the feeling of persevering past something that weighs me down, almost like it’s some twisted form of affirmation. Or perhaps I’m just being cynical as always. :)

Most of my life I have struggled with some type of adversity, whether that be relationships, finances, personal struggles, etc. I have always let them weigh me down. The key wording in that is “I have let them.”

I have let them get to me. Let them hurt me. Let them override my brain to foolishness.

Most of the time, that “them” is ME. I am the biggest hurdle and the biggest unknown in all my life equations and paranoia.

And it’s annoying!!!

I am truly my own worst enemy and I deeply dislike myself for it.

But this past weekend I had none of that.

It wasn’t about anything else in the world, anyone else’s problems, not even about my problems or concerns.

It was about me and Jeremy. It was about my mom throwing the most magical party, a party more stunning than I could have ever imagined. It was about all our friends coming together whether they were in town or not and making our special day even more special by their presence.

I have to brag about my momma.

Momma knows how to throw a good party. :)

All this time I was bugging her with questions and paranoia about the music, people, everything. She would always assure me that she had everything under control but I kept up with the questions, just to make sure.

She absolutely did have it under control. She exceeded my expectations tenfold. And it was breathtaking.

I am so happy and blessed to have such a wonderful mother and role model that works so hard and supports me in every endeavor. She has always been so loving, so selfless, so goofy. She is my best friend. Her attention to detail, her craftiness, her fun-loving personality are all attributes I hope to carry out one day to the extent she does.

Basically, if anyone wants an awesome party Angelica is the one to call. I’ll make her some business cards. ;)

It’s insane how as time passes, the “you’re just like your mom/dad in this way” comments become compliments as opposed to horrifying remarks.

The “you two look like sisters” bugged the hell out of me when I was in high school. I was all cynical, like “what, does that mean I look old?” I was selfish as opposed to letting the compliment properly land to address how beautiful my mother was. How beautiful she is now!

And my friends. I have to love on my friends.

The most important moments of your life reveal how important and steadfast your friends are. It could be an engagement party, a breakup, a divorce, a work success or fail, a death…

I have always bragged about my friends, my entire life. For the most part, I always felt very lucky with my choice in companions. I felt I was surrounded by the most amazing people in the world. It didn’t matter if anyone else thought so, because I knew it.

I can be obnoxiously nostalgic because that’s how amazing they all were. My senior year in high school was the happiest (albeit probably the most dramatic) time of my life. I might even shed a happy tear as I type this, ha!

Being in Pentatonix, being dictated by group decisions as opposed to my own have made it difficult to hold on to friends. Through the past five years, slowly but surely I feel like I’ve buried myself in a little remote cave with few resources.

I used to always go out. I used to call every friend in town to hang out. I used to go out of my way and exhaust myself to do anything and everything with everyone!

I used to…

I despise myself for allowing my insecurities to ever get in the way of how important my friends were, and I think I am to blame for why I let some of them go.

Entering this new life chapter of marriage, I have thought back on my friends. I see other girlfriends getting married with a million beautiful bridesmaids by their side and I envy their opportunity in college to make those friends or their stability in one place to hold on to and connect with the people around them.

But…I have that.

My opportunities are just different than the people with friends I am comparing myself to in pictures and I should not make excuses for my lifestyle.

As the guests arrived at the party, huge smiles on their faces, I knew that. As they intermingled and met each other, all from different parts of my life, all kind of knowing who each other were, I knew it. I felt it.

I may not feel like I am the best friend.

I may not try my hardest because I know I still won’t be able to give everything I want to (I know that’s stuuuupid logic).

I may not be able to have girl’s night, or celebrate fun holidays with everyone.

I may not be able to be the best daughter, or the best sister, or the best granddaughter.

I may not always be able to be around like I wish I could be.

But there they all were.

Blessed.

How blessed and loved I feel.

Look around you.

Even when you don’t expect it, even when you’re down on yourself, really value the smile thrown your way, or the text your parent sends you checking up on you.

You are so, so loved.

Don’t forget that. <3

Love,

Kirstin

 

P.S. The KTM store is coming out with a new chapter of…OLAF MERCH! Now you can take some cuddles and side-eye home with you in this Olaf-themed attire! Go check it out!!

Thank you for signing up!

Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form