Chapter Forty-Eight

Do you think your dreams show an acceptance of what is real or not? Or an unacceptance?

Quite often for me, my dreams have shown me situations I’ve buried. Things I choose not to accept. Things I don’t want to have a hold on me but do. Or things I know deep down that I don’t want to admit.

Even as I type this, I just feel like I’m venting. I have no real advice, solution, or proven knowledge of what dreams can tell a person and most importantly how to act upon them.

Do you ignore them? Do you take them to heart?

I’ve done both.

Some are so unsettling or repetitive that they’re hard to ignore. Some are easily digested and others are so confusing as to why it happened that I wake up distraught with a loss on how to shake off the strange feelings they gave.

I always had nightmares as a kid. It was really strange and mature actually, to have some of the terrifying dreams that I had, but I blame that on my mom’s scary movie obsession that she wanted to share with me. And all the movies I’d oversee my grandparents and dad watch. No filter here, haha. :)

In my dreams, something always happened to my mom. She was always taken away from me. She was hurt, or lost, or someone would physically take her away and I was left alone.

It’s easy to assume what that dream meant. I was scared of losing my mom and what that would mean for me after.

Since I was a kid I’ve always had these incredibly elaborate journey-type dreams and I’d wake up feeling like I’d entered some alternate time space where that actually happened.

I love them! They’re beautiful, though sometimes so realistic and frightening.

After my nightmares started to subside and my dreams flourished even more intensely in to magical journeys, I started having peculiar thoughts about what they meant. They were no longer as obvious as they were when I was say, four or five.

Many were encounters that I couldn’t explain.

For a time, I went to bed every night hoping I’d have this repetitive dream I was having, where I always started back at the beginning but went a bit further in the plot line every time. I had it so often that I would go to bed thinking of it, praying and hoping I could return to the curious adventure.

I even ended up being able to control the dream after a time. I attribute that quality to the whimsical thoughts and imagination that books gave me. It gave me such a power and control that even when I had a bad dream, I knew if I had confidence in myself and my power I would be able to control the outcome. It was my dream after all.

Interestingly enough, the times I lacked confidence in my ability I would not be able to control anything.

As is life, perhaps.

Now, I think my dreams are less about me manipulating an outcome and situation I would generally not have control over. It’s not so much about power within myself to take control of my situation, it’s about my choices and encounters.

As I’ve gotten older, they seem more symbolic for good and bad than free-spirited journeys. Dormant thoughts come alive when I’m sleeping to show their true form, and it can be quite unsettling.

As a person, I think I always want to be positive. I want to be “fine” even if crazy things are happening around me. People always want to be the person they think they are.

But I’m not all the time.

I get down on myself very easily. My hyper-active brain seems to want to find an issue in something that’s so good I think it can’t possibly be real. I must be some sort of pessimist after all. ;)

But, I am a huge believer in signs! That’s why dreams are so important to me.

I believe everything you encounter is put in to your life for a reason, because everything you’ve gone through till this moment has crafted you in to the person you are today. People, situations, heartbreak, everything affects you even sometimes when you don’t want it to.

I used to read this dream book that my mom kept, but I have no idea where it is now. I would read it like it was any normal book, interested in the numerous meanings and secrets dreams held.

I so wish I could find it now!!! But it was many years ago and I’m sure there are numerous new dream books with an even better understanding of how the mind operates when at rest.

To me, dreams more often than not are signs to show me something that I am trying not to think about or a sign that something is coming. I have always loved figuring out the meaning and then geeking later when their premonition came true and I realized what it was trying to tell me.

Yet, recently I’ve been at a loss for what my dreams mean. I don’t know if they’re compelling me to do something or serving as a reminder that I am growing up and need to accept things I maybe have not.

But…I honestly don’t know what those things are. What type of symbol it really stands for.

For once with my dreams, I am utterly stumped. I don’t know how to handle them or know exactly what they are trying to tell me.

My over-active mind can come up with a million conclusions, but I think I’m pretty sure I’m just driving myself insane, ha!

What I do know is although I cannot directly pinpoint the necessary action or meaning they whisper, my dreams have me thinking about my life right now. And as frustrating as they are, I think it’s a really great analysis and check in.

What I can assume, is that I am finally old enough where I don’t have the excuse of being young. I always wanted to be “older” with my older friends and now that I am I can’t help but long for the free-spirited and easier days of my past.

I am at a point that I’ve always wanted to be, and I wonder if my dreams are last chance moments of the life I’m moving on from.

I don’t know!! :)

I just know that they are quite interesting and doubly as irritating, but they are opening my eyes to what is around me. They’re making me question myself and my values.

And as I take these next big life steps, I think that’s normal! I think it’s really good.

All I know is that I’m on the journey I should be right now.

I have the ability to power up and take more control of my life, but what I am experiencing is right and okay.

What you are feeling in this moment is okay.

And that’s comforting.

Love,

Kirstin

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