Chapter Fifty

Wow.

It’s been an incredible fifty chapters with you guys.

Thank you for being the shoulder I could cry on, the welcoming arms to run to when I felt there was no where else to turn, and the perfect escape from a life that can sometimes be a bit overwhelming.

Thank you for being on my journey as I worked through my issues, as I faltered, as I succeeded, as I had no idea how to handle situations.

Thank you for your comments that made me feel like I was not alone, for you comments that opened up my own opinion and taught me something.

Thank you for your silence. Thank you for listening.

I wanted to start this blog because I knew I could best describe my emotions through text, and at the time I felt very trapped and had a lot to say. At the time, I felt this was the only place I could come to where I could vent and be honest. There’s something so incredibly therapeutic about writing, about rambling out thoughts in to structure and pages. Reading back through you get a sense you accomplished something. You realized something as your fingers were flying and your hand was cramping.

Release.

It was a release for me.

I happened upon an old diary not too long ago and my heart felt heavy from reading it, stressed to feel the anxiety and sadness written within the ink.

But when I went to my website and looked at my blog, I got an immense sense of pride for my accomplishments. For how far I’ve come even when it feels like I take some steps backwards. Even if I’m still working through issues and feelings that have haunted me in the past.

I have become more honest with myself and what I need. I know what I want. I know how I feel.

And the parts I am confused about I try not to overthink, because I cause a whole new sort of problem when I create something negative in my head. It festers. The mind is a powerful thing.

I am very proud of 2016. I feel like I've worked through a lot.

I am even more excited for what 2017 will bring and it hasn't even started yet. I have a lot of other words I hope to share with you guys I haven't explicitly said on this blog. Really special words and thoughts.

Yes, I am being a total tease right now.

Sorry. :)

I just know that even on a dark day I will be okay. Even in the dark nights I sit in my room upset and lost on where I am heading or the mornings I wake from a dream confused on what it's trying to tell me, I know that I'll figure it out. And you guys will too.

Life is a series of highs and lows. You can't have one without the other.

Honestly, I wish I could go back and re-read all my memories, I wish I had started writing them down earlier. I want to remember.

All of it. Truly.

I want to re-live how passionate I was about everything. I want to feel the tingle and shudder in my soul when I remember certain date or events. First impressions. Feelings.

Sometimes I feel like I lock those memories away, almost like I'm saving them. Or maybe I'm just afraid of how they felt, good or bad. Or maybe I still wouldn't be able to handle them but one day the planets will align and they'll resurface in my life. And I will be so proud of myself.

It's a beautiful way to realize how far you've come, how you grow and mature every day.

Even when it feels like you're moving backwards, know you're moving forward. Know what you feel is okay. Know that...you can handle it. You will learn and grow from the hurdles put in your life. They sure do suck though, huh?

I'm about to head out for some festive Halloween activities so I promise I'll stop my sappy rant, but I love you all so much. Thank you for your unwavering support.

I hope you're happy. I really do.

It’s all I could ever want for you.

Love,

Kirstin

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